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You Have Beautiful Eyes; Pick Up Artists

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This has got to be the dumbest thing to say to someone whose pants you’re trying to get into.  Have you ever seen human eyes?  Irises, by definition  look like radial exploding sunsets in earth tones.  Get on Google image search, you’ll need to change your pants there’s so much beauty.

Have you ever seen ugly eyes? Not relatively but objectively sort of gross? Point that out next time, that’s more rewarding and unique.  Hey, be a bona fide pick up artist with the negs and the 5th grade vocab quiz pseudonym and the void of self esteem deficit from getting picked 3rd last at kickball filled by attention from drunken strangers.  Remember, it’s not misogyny if you treat everyone in your life like a prop and you just happen to be straight.  Come to think of it, Iris would be a great PUA username (yes, username, if you have to assume a different identity in order to have the confidence to talk to women it’s barely reality anyway), kick off conversation about the Goo Goo Dolls. Chicks love that nostalgia stuff. ‘You kinda look like the bass player. Come back, I was just negging!’

'The Grand Canyon is so vast.' 'This blanket is so warm.' On par with telling people they have nice eyes. Maybe I'm just cynical because I would love to walk around with that level of wonderment towards basic shit.  You know that Facebook friend, 'Would you just get a load of this new Doritos flavor!' It's sodium, and it tastes like someone dumped a ramen chicken flavor pack into a bag of saltines.  Just try to calm down, okay?

Romance of the Three Kingdoms III

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This game is my entire immediate familial generation’s jam.  Romance of the 3 million menus, watch the RAM max out when you use a 5 army SIML attack, have every plot you’ve ever tried fail. Learn fake history, this shit wasn’t real, you think a guy prayed to the winds, hooked together a bunch of ships, set them on fire and defeated an army? That’s not strategy, that’s meth and 84 felonies.  Have your friends over, they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, go into exile and hang out in 46. Nan Hai until it’s dinner time, cheese stuffed chicken nuggets. Start over next time you go visit  your parents’ house for a couple days too long and drink too much Marylou’s, now you got a craving. Download an emulator and play until you accidentally overwrite your save file because you use a Dvorak keyboard and accidentally hit hotkeys all the time. Rinse repeat.

The ferrari of Han Dynasty historical simulators.

Grocery Shopping at CVS

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What the fuck are you doing.

Put the peeps down. Easter was 7 god damn weeks ago.  I know the grocery store is closed, I know you think you can justify spending a ‘little more’ than Stop and Shop for the convenience of it being across the street from your apartment, that’s the point right? But you’d only buy Barilla pasta if it’s 15 for $10, now you’re gonna spend $2.74 on expired dried ziti? Do you even know how long ziti has to be out to expire? Look at that prepackaged salad and tell me it’s not colored with a highlighter.  Tell me that parmesan cheese doesn’t take like a run over hamburger bun put in the oven for a fortnight with ‘Italian Pinch: Mamma Mia’ sprinkled on top.

I don’t know what the fuck you need. Turn off the computer for a while, quit smoking whatever you smoke, read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, SOMETHING. You do not buy even your eggs at CVS. Batteries, cold medicine, condoms, soda and you’re gone. Fuck.


MIXING BERRIES AND CHOCOLATE
PROS
The berries are a little healthy
At the end of the day you’ve eaten chocolate
CONS
If the raspberries are sour they taste horrible with the chocolate
If the raspberries are sour they taste horrible period
If you refrigerate them they will turn to mush
The whole damn strawberry is covered in chocolate how are you supposed to pick it up
Berries are a snack you eat between 3 and 4 in the afternoon.  Chocolate is negotiable all other times unless you’re eating berries
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

MIXING BERRIES AND CHOCOLATE

PROS

  • The berries are a little healthy
  • At the end of the day you’ve eaten chocolate

CONS

  • If the raspberries are sour they taste horrible with the chocolate
  • If the raspberries are sour they taste horrible period
  • If you refrigerate them they will turn to mush
  • The whole damn strawberry is covered in chocolate how are you supposed to pick it up

Berries are a snack you eat between 3 and 4 in the afternoon.  Chocolate is negotiable all other times unless you’re eating berries

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆


SHIINA RINGO’S BLONDE HAIR ON TOKYO JIHEN’S ULTRA C DVD
PROS
Looks a little superhero-y
Matches with the caveman chic
Is on the head of Shiina Ringo
CONS
Distracts from the caveman chic
Looks goofy
Looks weird
I don’t like it
Shiina Ringo is a talented musician whose merit should not be decided by her hair color decisions.
★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

SHIINA RINGO’S BLONDE HAIR ON TOKYO JIHEN’S ULTRA C DVD

PROS

  • Looks a little superhero-y
  • Matches with the caveman chic
  • Is on the head of Shiina Ringo

CONS

  • Distracts from the caveman chic
  • Looks goofy
  • Looks weird
  • I don’t like it

Shiina Ringo is a talented musician whose merit should not be decided by her hair color decisions.

★ ★ ☆ ☆


THE MUSIC VIDEO FOR GANGNAM STYLE BY PSY
PROS
The plethora of seemingly glamorous situations which turn out to be pathetic or pedestrian being used as a criticism of Seoul’s Gangnam District’s addiction to wealth and consumerism
Psy being so much better than everyone else at side galloping
All choreography
Elevator scene
Psy’s ability to maintain his composure as he is eating fake snow
Psy performing a lasso maneuver as he is exiting the subway
CONS
The part where he yells at that young woman’s behind becomes uncomfortable when watching with friends.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay sexy la-day
★ ★ ★ ★ ★

THE MUSIC VIDEO FOR GANGNAM STYLE BY PSY

PROS

  • The plethora of seemingly glamorous situations which turn out to be pathetic or pedestrian being used as a criticism of Seoul’s Gangnam District’s addiction to wealth and consumerism
  • Psy being so much better than everyone else at side galloping
  • All choreography
  • Elevator scene
  • Psy’s ability to maintain his composure as he is eating fake snow
  • Psy performing a lasso maneuver as he is exiting the subway

CONS

  • The part where he yells at that young woman’s behind becomes uncomfortable when watching with friends.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay sexy la-day

★ ★ ★


BREYERS VANILLA, CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM
PROS
Is ice cream
Contains chocolate
I mixed the chocolate and vanilla together so it mostly just tasted like chocolate ice cream
My freezer doesn’t do its job very well so the ice cream had a mousse consistency
CONS
I ate the ice cream in three sittings three consecutive nights.  This made me have a stomach ache all three nights.  That is also pretty fast to go through 3/8 of a gallon of ice cream.
I had to wash some dishes.
This ice cream was all right.  It’s just chocolate and vanilla flavored.  That’s common.  This is a little bit like rating the color blue.
★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

BREYERS VANILLA, CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM

PROS

  • Is ice cream
  • Contains chocolate
  • I mixed the chocolate and vanilla together so it mostly just tasted like chocolate ice cream
  • My freezer doesn’t do its job very well so the ice cream had a mousse consistency

CONS

  • I ate the ice cream in three sittings three consecutive nights.  This made me have a stomach ache all three nights.  That is also pretty fast to go through 3/8 of a gallon of ice cream.
  • I had to wash some dishes.

This ice cream was all right.  It’s just chocolate and vanilla flavored.  That’s common.  This is a little bit like rating the color blue.

★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆